I wrote this some time last year, obviously before Kevin was dumped as leader of the ALP. Having since rediscovered it, I think it’s only fair I share with you all. Hooray!
Dear Prime Minister.
After careful consulatation with your constituents we have developed the following action plan to boost your popularity among the fickle, whingeing voters who can’t remember just why they supported you back in 2007.
First, you need to change your hairstyle to something more contemporary. Your current style makes you resemble Dr Bunsen Honeydew from The Muppet Show. That’s not a good thing.
Second, consider replacing your glasses with contact lenses; they make you look like John Howard and no-one wants to look like John Howard. Also, if you get into a political brawl with Abbott you don’t want people to pity you just because Abbott won’t hit a person wearing glasses (although he probably would).
Third, eat meat. No male who considers himself a real Australian would ever be a vegetarian. Maybe consider doing television advertisements with Sam Kekovich (“Australia loves its lamb”).
Fourth, don’t yell at air hostesses. Are you familiar with the Mile High Club? Try that instead. Yelling at air hostesses about a vegetarian meal makes you appear, well, homosexual to most Aussie males (and probably a good portion of Aussie females). However, given that Abbott has publicly declared that he feels threatened by homosexuals, you could probably use this to create another change of leadership in the Liberal Party.
Fifth, speak English. Even when you’re not speaking Mandarin you’re still not speaking English. Simply your speeches and get to the point. It may be a cliché, but if you want to be taken seriously you need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Chinglish is not acceptable, either.
Sixth, don’t say ‘sixth’ in a sentence. It’s hard to pronounce without lisping and a lisp will make you appear homosexual.
Seventh, lose the public affirmations of ‘faith’. If you choose to believe in god and Jesus and virgin births, keep it to yourself. A leader who wants to be taken seriously on the world stage does him/herself no favours in professing a belief in fairy tales. Alternatively, you could demonstrate the Aussie sense of larrikinism my changing the opening prayer at Parliament to one thanking Harry Potter from saving us all from Lord Voldemort.
Eighth, Rupert Murdoch is nobody’s friend and only idiots listen to talkback radio. You don’t need to appeal to a demographic that gets its information from those media sources; people like that believe the earth is flat and that their destinies are determined by astrology.
Ninth, consider giving Rove an Order of Australia medal. People seem to like Rove for some reason and giving him an AO would make you appear like a ‘good bloke’. A bit like Hawke did when, after Australia won the America’s Cup, he said something like “Any boss that sacks a worker for calling in sick tomorrow is a bum!”
Tenth, like Hawkey, be seen drinking beer. Seing as you’re from Queensland, XXXX is acceptable. However, do not, under any circumstances, be seen with a VB. The only people who drink VB are racists, homophobes, and people with southern cross tattoos (ie, people of below-average intelligence, and you don’t want to appear of below-average intelligence).
Eleventh, chuck a sickie every now and then. Julia is more than capable of answering your telephone and letters. Real Aussies chuck sickies.
Twelfth, consider giving Julia speech therapy to make her sound less bogan. If she’s going to be the “people’s princess”, she needs to not sound like a Victa mower whenever she opens her mouth.