Monthly Archives: September 2012


You carved our names
into a tree,
and that lasted longer
than we ever did.


Hope lies

Hope lies on a woman’s lips,
but not here,
not tonight.

Tonight there is only the bottle
and the cigarettes,
and the cold, empty place
beside you in the bed.


It was about six or seven years ago that I decided to sponsor a child. I had two primary reasons for doing so. The first was because it would help give a family some hope for the future, that they might know that someone (albeit a faceless person they’d probably never meet) cared. I could afford to do it, so why not?

The second reason was decidedly more selfish. I had fallen for a woman, fallen hard, and she broke me. I pretty much knew it was coming, but it still fucking hurt. So, in an exercise of twisted logic, I reasoned that if I sponsored a child, something to which I would be expected to make long term commitment, I wouldn’t kill myself. Over the last couple of months I’ve started to question the wisdom of that decision.

Ever since that moment of heartache, I developed what I refer to as a ‘switch’. I like to think that I have control over it, that I can turn the switch to ‘off’ to save myself if I think I’m going to get hurt. It doesn’t always work. But as handy as that switch can be, I don’t want to be cold and heartless; I don’t particularly like that person. Pain can be beautiful, invigorating. Suicide will always be at the back of my mind, like an angry dog waiting to bite when my back is turned. It has been there for many, many years, and I have no doubt that I will give in one day. But not yet.


All it takes is a glance,
her raised eyebrow
and her grin
conveying her thoughts
with a clarity
that requires no words
to pass between us,
and it leaves me breathless.

Touch (third version)

So buy me a drink
that my hands
have something to hold,
a cold distraction
from the yearning of each finger
to reach out
and trace the shape of you,
and to quench
this urgent desire
to bring your lips to mine.


Get in your car and fucking floor it!
Spear it wide-eyed into the night,
blindness either side of you,
the white lines your guide.
Wind down your window,
let the cold air burn your skin,
and scream into the darkness
until your throat bleeds.
Feel it? Feel it!
Enjoy the pain & the fear!
Anything is better than
the emptiness inside.

D.C. al fine

How quickly the days pass,
putting one foot in front
of the other,
wearing a path like a goat track
in a paddock.

Nearly a year gone by
with barely a murmur
until everything recalls
the sense, the certainty,
of having done all this before.

Da capo, al fine.


I’ll soak up your love
but if you want anything back,
you’ll have to squeeze me.