If there is one thing worse than Christmas, it is Christmas in July.
This particularly loathsome Australian ‘tradition’ involves, obviously, the celebration of Christmas sometime in the month of July. There is no specific date on which this event is celebrated – it depends on who is organising it, whether individuals, corporations or government departments.
So why does it exist? Apparently for no good reason other than the fact that we normally celebrate Christmas in the middle of our Summer rather than the northern hemisphere’s Winter. It’s nonsensical. Just because every bloody Christmas we’re barraged with American Christmas carols and songs, like Bing Crosby’s ‘White Christmas’, until we’re physically ill from listening to them in every damn shopping centre, is that any reason to throw a Christmas party in Winter when we might actually see some snow? No! And let’s face it – not too many Australian cities get any snow in Winter; most of it is falls in the mountain regions. If there has to be a Christmas in July let it be restricted to the ski resorts that like to model themselves on Austrian and Swiss towns.
So, if we had Christmas songs relevant to Australia would that obviate the desire for Christmas in July and put people back in touch with reality, that Christmas for us is a Summer holiday? Unfortunately, it probably wouldn’t. Why? Because every Australian Christmas-themed song seems to involve hooning through the bush in a ute with a case of beer in the back and a dog in the front seat. Talk about cultural embarrassment!
Or there is this number, an ‘Aussie version’ of the 12 Days of Christmas:
On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
12 parrots prattling
11 numbats nagging
10 lizards leaping
9 wombats working
8 dingos digging
7 possums playing
6 brolgas dancing
4 koalas cuddling
3 kookaburras laughing
2 pink galahs
and an emu up a gum tree.
It sounds like a recipe for a bloody big casserole!
There is, of course, the old Rolf Harris song ‘Six White Boomers’ which is a passable effort involving Santa doing his rounds with the assistance of six kick-ass kangaroos. But still, it doesn’t seem quite right. The problem is, I don’t know what would be right. Anything other than ‘White Christmas’ and its ilk would be a good start.
Where was I? That’s right, Christmas in July. Destroy it! Destroy it now before we’re consumed by more ridiculous holiday concepts!